I Swear I’m Fine (Except I’m Not): Why Ignoring Pain Is the Fast-Track to Emotional Bankruptcy

Why Denying Your Pain Is Like Ignoring Your Phone’s “Low Battery” Warning—And How It Can Wreck You

Let’s be real: life knocks us down, and it’s rarely polite about it. Sometimes, we’re the strong, go-with-the-flow type who can shrug off the bumps and bruises (literal or emotional). Other times, we’re like a fragile porcelain mug—one tiny crack, and suddenly, things fall apart. Both reactions are totally normal, but here’s the kicker: what really matters is how we handle those falls.

The Science Behind Pain (Emotional and Physical)

Pain, whether physical or emotional, is your body and brain’s way of waving a big red flag: “Hey, something’s wrong here!” When you ignore that signal, it’s like telling your phone, “Nah, don’t worry about the battery. I’ll just keep scrolling Instagram.” Spoiler alert: your phone will die—and so might your emotional resilience if you do the same.

Neuroscience tells us that pain activates areas in the brain such as the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula, which process both physical hurt and emotional distress (Eisenberger, 2012). So yes, your heartbreak literally hurts your brain as much as a stubbed toe hurts your foot.

Why Denial Is Dangerous

When you deny your pain—whether by pretending it’s not there, minimizing it, or diverting attention—you’re essentially kicking the problem down the road. Psychologists call this “emotional avoidance,” and studies link it to higher stress, anxiety, and depression over time (Hayes et al., 1996).

Ignoring pain can lead to complicated grief, chronic stress, and even physical health problems like high blood pressure or weakened immunity. On the flip side, recognizing and validating your pain can kickstart healing.

The Shame Factor: Why We Hide Pain

Let’s get real: admitting pain feels vulnerable. And in a world that often equates vulnerability with weakness, it’s no wonder we play tough. We worry about how others will judge us, or that we’ll get stuck with an “identity” as the “broken” or “weak” one.

But here’s the truth: vulnerability is strength in disguise. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, argues that “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change” (Brown, 2012). In other words, facing your pain honestly is the gateway to personal growth.

How to Stop Denying and Start Healing

1. Name It to Tame It: Put words to your pain. Writing, talking, or even thinking about what hurts you can reduce its intensity (Pennebaker, 1997).
2. Get Curious, Not Judgmental: Approach your feelings with a scientist’s curiosity. What’s really going on? What triggers you?
3. Allow Yourself to Feel: Cry, scream, or laugh. Feelings want to be expressed, not bottled up.
4. Seek Support: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, sharing your pain makes it lighter.
5. Forgive Yourself: You’re human. Mistakes, setbacks, and hurt happen. Forgiveness is the reset button.

Bottom Line

Ignoring or denying your pain is like using duct tape on a leaky pipe: it might hold for a bit, but eventually, the damage gets worse. By being honest with yourself and accepting your pain, you create the foundation for healing and growth.

So next time you feel like saying, “I’m fine,” maybe pause and ask, “Am I really?”

Sources:

• Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(6), 421–434.
• Hayes, S. C., Wilson, K. G., Gifford, E. V., Follette, V. M., & Strosahl, K. (1996). Experiential avoidance and behavioral disorders: a functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(6), 1152.
• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
• Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162–166.